Into the Wild...Let The Hunt Begin #13

Can You Hand Me A Paper Bag, Please? I Think I'm Hyperventilating.

Okay, okay. I admit it. I am prone to doubting myself. I get emotional sometimes. I cry easily when I'm angry, upset, scared...or even when I'm watching a touching Pixar film. I'll admit it!! I work myself up and confuse myself. I'm only human...

You're probably wondering what's made me disclose such appealing traits of mine. Well, last night I went through a freak-out for about, oh, let's say an hour and a half. I called my mother (who really wished she was in bed sleeping) to talk out my momentary craziness. I knew she couldn't give me a "right" answer, but I just needed to talk until I calmed down. I had the "Oh my gosh have I made a huge mistake?!?!" moment.

Here's what triggered it... I received an email from one of the schools I interviewed with at the conference. Now, you may recall I was doing a national search. I realize now, in hindsight of course, that my freakout really came down to one thing: it is not as appealing to move 1.5 hours away from your hometown (born-and-raised-all-your-life-hometown) for your first job in the field when you've talked it up so big that you're doing this "NATIONAL" search. There is something less thrilling and exciting about "the school next door." To continue with the dating metaphors, it's like the school far away is the "mysterious stranger" with whom you want to ride off into the country on their Harley. With THAT school, you kind of have bragging rights (for lack of a better phrase) about how you're being adventurous.

So when I received this email asking me to participate in a phone interview and then hopefully come to campus after that...I freaked. "Could I belong at [school] instead, Mom?! Did I choose too soon?! Should I have rolled the dice?!" I went on for an hour and a half. My poor mother. She is the best thing I have in this world. No matter how many times we disagree and argue, I know I can call her in the middle of the night and freak out about whether or not "this is email is a sign" that's telling me I need to move 1,767 miles away. After a while of my non-linear thought patterns and babble, she challenged me: Well if you want to go to [school] so badly, then go!

That's when I caved. It wasn't that I wanted to go to this other school so badly. I don't even know if I'd get the position--there are two more steps in their process and decisions won't be made until May. So really, I was having this giant moment of doubt over an email asking for a PHONE interview! Seems irrational right? I mean the school seems really great--I've heard nothing but praise for the institution. But what was bothering me was that I wanted to go to somewhere NEW and DIFFERENT. She reminded me that even though I'm only going 1.5 hours away from my hometown, it is still new and different! She also told me to trust my gut because that's how I've made all my hard decisions in the past and it's gotten me this far with few regrets. She also tried to come up with an adage that she couldn't quite remember, and it came out like, "Don't they always say the fish that got away always looks bigger?" I've never heard of it but it makes sense. There's always going to be that "what if" in the back of my mind no matter where I end up. But I went for this offer for a reason and I should trust that. My mom also reminded me that it's a big step in my life but it's not the job for the REST of my life. I'll have plenty of years to move to different parts of the country if I really want to.

I suppose some people could take my mom's words to be cynical--you know, the fact that she's saying it's okay if you don't stay at your first job forever because you'll want better. But it's not cynical. It's honest and down-to-earth. So often we're told about the "dream job." Find your "dream job." But what if that journey takes years? What if you do not find it for your first entry-level position? Or...what if the "dream job" is not something you find, but something you create on your own? What is that quote? "Find something you love to do and you'll never work a day in your life." What if you find yourself in a position and realize it's not perfect (is any job really "perfect?"). I suppose if you still love what you do, the good will outweigh the bad. Who knows...

So I've calmed down, wiped my tears forged from panic, and came to my senses. Why was I upset? Because I wanted the thrill of moving somewhere foreign to me and completely new. I wanted the thrill of having the right to say, "Look at me, being adventurous, starting my 'big-girl' job!" But you know what I realized? Once this offer is formalized...I can still say those things. I don't have to be two connecting flights away to be adventurous. The first job experience overall is adventure itself... no matter where you are. And there are more important things that go into choosing your first job than the glamor associated with drastic changes in geographical location.